Prophylactics

I am impatiently waiting for my period to start.

Those of you who have followed this blog from the beginning are entitled to chuckle at that. In those early days, I was on a permanent period. Then, I would have quite happily given up the damned things for good, in full knowledge that I had undergone more than my fair share.

Now, I am waiting with some excitement, because it will mean I can start the process of harvesting and storing my eggs for a rainy day (mine or someone else’s). It’s taking a long time. I keep experiencing the kind of bodily insinuations that a period might be on its way, but so far, no luck.

This means that we’re having to use condoms in the meantime. I don’t think I’ve ever fully shared with you just how much I dislike condoms. I’m allergic to the vast majority of them (when I first started having sex, it took me months to work out that you weren’t supposed to swell up for a few days afterwards), and the rest of them irritate me beyond all measure.

I’m incompetent at putting them on. I hate the smell. I hate the sensation. I hate changing position and worrying if they’re still in place. Most of all, I think they seriously reduce sensitivity for me. I know that’s the wrong way round, and that it shouldn’t make any difference, but in all honesty, I find orgasm an arduous process with a condom. Herbert, it seems, is perfectly happy in them; but I’m significantly less juicy.

Maybe it’s because it all seems like a bit of a pantomime. Left to my own devices I don’t ovulate, so the condoms are just belt-and-braces, a prophylactic against my own sense of bodily disappointment rather than any risk of pregnancy. It’s fun to pretend that we might need them, that without them there’s a possibilty. It’s hollow, really, an empty threat.

As hollow as the pregnancy test I took last week, thinking maybe, just maybe, my period was late for a reason.

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8 thoughts on “Prophylactics

  1. Ha ha I’ve never tried a femidom, but they sound rustly! I know exactly what you mean about not wanting any of the options – it’s a completely Hobson’s choice. If you’ve got a regular cycle, you could use a Persona machine I suppose?

  2. God, it’s *so* un-PC to say that these days. I mean, safety first and all that if you’re shagging someone different every night but I nipped off to get the morning after pill a little while back (just to be on the safe side) after me and a longterm partner went commando. The woman was *so* judgemental I lied and said the condom had broken rather than admit that we hadn’t used one. I can’t stand condoms but don’t want to go on the pill, or have a coil fitted, or use a cap or use a femidom (can you still get female condoms? I always thought they were the contraceptive equivalent of sticking a sainsbury’s bag up oneself).

  3. Goodness, it feels sort of thrillingly un-pc to admit that, doesn’t it? Technically, I feel like I ought to be saying: “oh condoms are great, they make not difference.” But it’s not true.

  4. I dunno Gabriela – lots of people seem to actively prefer condoms and it’s certainly a lot less mess. It might just be me being a fusspot, as usual! x

  5. Oh my dear – firstly a hug about the test last week, having read this blog for a long time I hope I can understand what you might be feeling

    And secondly I hate them too – they feel uncomfortable, the make horrid noises and the whole interrupting thing is far from ideal

    Reminds me I have no idea what we’ll use next…

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