On my first day at secondary school, I learned two things.
The first was that I should never, ever, under any circumstances slam a door in my RE teacher’s face.
The second was that Miss Grey, the biology teacher, was suspected to be a lesbian, and perhaps even lived with the geography teacher, Miss Banks.
Of course, we approached this information with the maturity of a group of girls who suspected that lesbians might not even actually exist. We gossiped fruitlessly about it for months, until I plucked up the courage to ask my cousin about it. She had recently left the sixth-form of the same school, and was now living what I considered to be a life of extreme glamour as an undergraduate at Durham University.
‘Yes,’ she said coldly over the phone, ‘Miss Grey is a lesbian. Get over it.’
Chastened, I stammered, ‘Oh I don’t mind, obviously. I just wondered if you knew.’
‘Everyone knows,’ she replied. ‘It’s hardly a secret.’ And then she sighed, as I assume she refereed an internal battle between her grown-up, be-gowned self and her inner schoolgirl.
‘Look,’ she said, ‘the tradition is that you wait until sex ed in the second year. She offers you the chance to write down any questions anonymously on a piece of paper. Everyone has to use that opportunity to ask if she’s a lesbian. She never responds, but it’s worth it just to see the look on her face.’
Well, that’s a mighty long time to wait when you’re twelve and wildly over-excited by meeting a real, live lesbian. I bided my time by developing a stance of world-weary disinterest over the whole lesbian thing, while carefully ensuring that everyone in my year knew about the correct way to abuse her Q&A. ‘Apparently,’ I would drawl, ‘some girls use it as a chance to ask if she’s a lesbian. How immature!’
When the special topic finally arrived, we learned that Miss Grey had thought better of the anonymous Q&A format. It turned out, also, that she had as little respect for our burgeoning sexualities as we did for hers. She made us sit through weeks of cell division and diagrammatic reconstructions of reproduction in flowers, before starting the really juicy bit thus:
‘Right, ladies, open your folders and take down the following notes. Heading: ‘Three reasons not to have sex before marriage. One; Risk of sexually transmitted diseases. Two; risk of pregnancy. Three; poor reputation gained by the woman in question.’
Then she handed us out a pair of diagrams in which the genitals of both sexes appeared only to be visible from side view, internally.
That was twenty years ago, but we’re still confused over how to talk about sex now. The problem is that we’re squeamish, and we don’t want to do anything to disrupt our nebulous idea of childhood. But that means that we often wait until our teenagers are insanely curious about sex, and then portray it as something seedy, dangerous and physically harmful.
Now, of course we must help teenagers to understand the risks, and support them to delay intercourse until they can effectively judge the safety and privacy of the situation, and the trustworthiness of the person with whom they’re having sex. But somewhere along the line, it would be nice if we also found a way of transmitting the idea that their sexuality will hopefully bring them great joy and pleasure throughout the course of their adult lives.
And, interestingly, the way we talk about sex to teenagers is reflected in the way we talk to other adults about our sexual selves. Although we may share every gory detail in our teens, and may continue to confess in this way when under the influence of alcohol, our official, sober line tends to be ‘Ew.’
‘TMI!’ we cry when confronted with any level of detail about our friends’ adventuring. Worse, we become actively censorious over anything kinky or risqué. We hate the idea of other people having more fun than us.
Well, from now on, I propose a change of tack. I want the best for my friends. I want them to have happy, well-loved, fit and well, with fulfilling careers and restful homes. I want them to have all the excitement they can stomach and all the repose they need. And that also means that I want them to have having fantastic sex. I don’t say ‘astonishingly frequent’ or ‘jaw-droopingly athletic’ (because I have no desire to set unattainable goals against which I will judge them); I just hope that they get what they desire.
From now on, let’s stop feigning horror at the existence of our friends’ erotic selves, and instead offer them some affirmation for it. Let’s refuse to pretend we’re disgusted by the idea of them having sex, and let’s not pretend to be appalled at their explorations. Let’s be honest about our own situations, and offer help and advice when it’s needed. In short, let’s treat our friends’ sexualities with the same honour we treat the rest of their lives.
I, for one, hope that all my friends are getting something extremely wonderful between the sheets. And if they want to talk to me about it, I’m all ears.
What a great resolution! We definitely found that it took us ages to be able to talk properly during the seductions. It’s as if you need to construct your own ‘acceptable’ dictionary between the two of you. So hard.
I think you’ve got a point, Dan – I know that Herbert’s friends only really talk about ‘getting some’ or if they do go into detail, they only mention the good bits. I’m not sure that women talk in that much detail though – lots are really squeamish and resort to ‘ew’-ing. Which really annoys me!
Well said that woman!
I wish I had the mutual language to talk sex properly with my husband – to be able to communicate desires, concerns, suggestions would be bliss. As it is we are both hampered by a proper English education and so fail to communicate around this effectively
Hmmmmm perhaps I need to address this as a resolution this year
Very insightful and very very true!
Our ‘Sex ed’ as it were was simply a few lessons on the actual science of the process involved. Plus we always suspected our Physics teacher to be a lesbian plus the immaturity involved at sniggering at our biology teacher simply because she was called Mrs Dicker.
As adults do you think it’s different for men and women? Do men simply just say how many were as women say what was involved or do you think that preconceived idea is changing?
Viva girl talk! We love it!
Amazing. But when I was teaching six or so years ago, we still felt like we were treading on eggshells. No-one was really sure what they were allowed to say, outside the basics. It’s a tricky situation.
Ah, Kamariyah, this is why we Brits are so envious of Sweden. Herbert’s family are Swiss, and they take a similar approach – to the extent that his Gran gave him his first porn magazines when he was in his early teens.
Oh yes, sorry, forgot about that. And it was Miss Grey who equipped me with the knowledge of what an LH surge is. So maybe I should be nicer about her.
And I’ll add that it would be nice to talk more about the female sexual point of view, not just the crazy things men say & want. It’s been a relief to read your thoughts on – & during – sex in this blog, and the comments that are just as honest.
Real girl talk about sex takes away the stigma that it has to all be perfect, and every couple orgasms simultaneously as evidence of their love.
There was no sex-ed when I was in secondary school. Nor were there any significant biology lessons. It just didn’t exist. An all boys school, of course. Hard to believe just how primitive things were, not so long ago.
I’m fairly new to reading your blog but have made my way through 52 seductions (started reading the day before you announced that everything would be down soon, so spent a whole evening going through it!).
This was such a well-written post and shows so to the point how our childhood experiences reflect on the way we speak or don’t speak about sex as adults.
I was lucky enough to grow up in Sweden (I say lucky because my parents are from East Africa and my sex-ed could have been quite different!), where there was such an emphasis on sex being a natural part of life that although we went through the normal teenage years of it being very exciting, we came out the other side as young women being able to talk about it to each other, and even to our male friends! I’m very thankful for that as it makes discussing topics with my friends in London now much easier, and I agree that we need to stop putting such pressure on each other to be having sex all the time and talk about it in a more “real” way.
Thanks for the post!
…..apart from when LH surge hits, at which point it is obligatory to try and fit a month’s worth into 48 hours………
It’s all just so political! Still, glad to know you’ve got such exciting friends – mine are all in the process of having babies, so I think sex is less on the cards for them at the moment!
Awesome post! Wonderfully written as usual :)
I was the adventurous friend in my group and now, everyone is at it. Also there is the female bravado of those in a relationship, to be having sex like bunnies. If someone honestly has sex 5 times a week, I’m truly jealous. I’m not getting any right now…and have not for the past few months. Your blog has kept me inspired though!